By Dan Barash
Mar 25, 2004
Bowing to intense pressure from Mel Gibson’s father, Jews announced today that they would no longer control the world. In a press release, Jews stated, “Although we have thoroughly enjoyed the challenges of world domination for the last 300 years, we feel it's time for gentiles to take control of their own affairs. We plan to spend more time with our families and pursue other interests.”
Hutton Gibson stated he was pleased with the announcement, but expressed concern he was losing a scapegoat for all of his problems. He said he would be launching a search for a new minority group to demonize.
Many Jews expressed relief that they could give up burdensome responsibilities. Retired accountant Jerry Friedman, who controls all media in Montana, said, “I would just as well let the citizens of Montana manage their own TV and newspapers. Don’t get me wrong, Montana is a fine state. But it gets awfully cold, and there’s nowhere to get a good bagel.”
Attorney Allen Franks said he's glad he no longer has to manage Bulgarian monetary policy. “It was getting to be quite a hassle,” he said. “I already have a full time job and can’t even balance my own checkbook, let alone control the finances of an entire nation.”
Homemaker Judith Levine said she would “...miss the hustle and bustle of setting the international price for magnesium every day. But my son is about to be Bar Mitzvah'd, and oy! Such a party we're gonna have you wouldn't believe!”
Hollywood producer Sidney Greenbaum was pessimistic about the announcement. “Do you really think goyim know how to make movies?” he asked. “They'll all end up being high budget, technicolor snuff flicks if you leave things up to Mel and his kind.”
Comedy experts expressed concern that the business would suffer if Jews suddenly withdrew. According to one insider, “Take away all the Jewish comics and writers, and all you have left is Carrot Top. That’s not a world I want to live in.”
A potluck dinner in honor of Jews contributions to mankind will be held at the Hoboken Holiday Inn on April 3. All gentiles are welcome to attend. Participants will be encouraged to share an an offensive Jewish joke.